


Breathe Again

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First War with Voldemort, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 13:45:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5930566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sequel to Mieko Belle's "Hurts to Breathe"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe Again

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

You ask if I believe in soulmates? I don't even know what that is. But I watch James with Lily...and I hurt so bad. But he loves her. And he is happy. Happier than he could be with me. I am not a strong man, Remus. But I will let him go. Because I'd rather see him happy. Because he will never love me like that. And I'd rather have all his friendship, than half his love.

You speak of soulmates with such conviction, Remus. It's so absurd I could laugh through the tears. What kind of sick, twisted fate would make you soul mates with someone who already had one? If that is fate, if this is what it feels like to find your soulmate, I never want to hear the word again. Do you understand me, Remus? I am not, and will never be that. I don't know that. It is a language foreign to me. It is something I want nothing to do with, something I will never know.

But I do know love. Yes, I do know that. I have loved him for as long as I can remember. Funny how that happens, isn't it? The way it creeps up on you slowly like the tide...before you know it you are nearly drowned in it. And there is no escape from it. No where to swim but deeper. It was not something I chose. I know that. I would never have chosen this pain. But I fell in love with him none the less, and I love him still. I love him enough not to fight for him. I love him enough to stand beside him, and watch him wed to someone else. Yes, I know love when I feel it...and when I see it too.

Tell me, how do you look at me with such sincerity? Such exquisite hope. How can you still want me, broken down crying over another man in front of you? How can you stand there telling me you will look the other way as I fuck around? That you will love me even as I keep one foot out the door. How can you sell your love for so cheap a price? God, Remus... If you knew how much you were worth. Far more than these broken pieces I have left to offer.

How much better you deserve than even all of my heart... There is better for you out there, I know it. Why you want me, I will never know. But there is one thing I do know, to ask for only a fraction is a crime against yourself. And I could never do that to you. I could never do that to me, either. I cannot be the one to hurt you. Do you think I care so little? Do you not think I love you too?

Don't tell me you'll understand, dammit. Don't tell me you'll forgive me and look the other way. I don't want to be that. Can you see? I don't want to be that kind of man.

Your parents taught you about soul mates? My mother taught me something just as valuable. She remarried when I was five. Have I told you about that? My father had left when I was two. He left without saying a word...I don't even remember him, really. But she was an amazing woman, you know? She was the picture of strength and elegance. She never let what happened with my father make her bitter. She never allowed her heart to be closed. I remember the day she remarried, she was all dress up in a beautiful white silk robe, flowers danced in her raven hair. She sat me down on her knee and said to me. "Sirius, you can survive anything. When things look their darkest, close your eyes to the pain and move ahead blindly into the light. There is never a heartbreak time cannot mend. There is never a love that you cannot find if your heart remains open. Be open Sirius. Be open to those who love you, and be open to loving them back. And Sirius, never hold back, my boy. Because fear holds you back from happiness, and I want you to be happy." She kissed me on the forehead and sat me down on the chair so I could watch her put on the last of her make-up, her face all aglow. Happy to be wed to the man waiting just beyond the doors for her. Her second chance at love.

She said she wanted me to be happy. I want to be happy too, Remus. I want to be happy with you. And I could never be that giving you half of myself. I will not give you the broken pieces of my heart. Because that heart will heal, Remus. I know it will heal. And I want you to have all of it. Because I will not live in the darkness shadow of the past, so long as I have a light to live for. And I see you there, amber eyes full of love and hope, and I know that you could be that light.

No, I don't believe in soulmates. But I do believe in time. I believe that it heals, and I believe that we should use it the best we can.

This will not be easy. There are times when I will still think of him. But those will fade into whispers. It will be your voice that echoes in my mind. It will become your face that means love to me. Because I do love you. That love exists like soft music within me...easing this loud ache. And I can be the person you need, because it will be what I want too.

I want this, Remus, I do. I want to be with you. And that is why I will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Soulmates? No...I will not be that. I do not want that. Because we don't need fate on our side. We choose this. I choose to be your love, and you mine. Fate can play its games. Fate can break our heart. But it cannot stop me from this choice. Cannot stop me from loving you.

I have been holding myself back for so long. I have been holding my breath as my world fell around me. I have been suffocating in my own pain. And, oh, I do not want that anymore. Hold me now. Hold me tightly, and I will hold you back.

We will learn to breath again, together.

~END~


End file.
